2011 goals are written, posted and ready to go - now all I need to do is stay focused, on task, and I will be set! I feel so great lately, well, all things considered. Being married is truly changing my life, as is the current state of our family. Never have I made goals for my life, let alone written them down. Also, my grandfather is in the hospital - had a stroke on his 56th wedding anniversary to my grandma. So now, my mom, uncles and grandma are up at the hospital every day trying to sort through this situation none of us could imagine. As my mom said earlier this week, "He is the bravest man I know, and [my grandma] is the strongest woman I know". It is so true and such an amazing showing of unconditional, unselfish love. They are completely old school in their relationship and thinking and it is breathtaking to watch, to experience, and I am so blessed to have had this relationship as a model for my life. I am working to replicate it - not their life exactly, but the feelings and emotions that have come out of it - I want nothing more than for people around Tim and I to look at us and wonder how we do it - what our secret is. You see, it is not just about love - it is about loving yourself but also loving the other person enough to put them first...number one priority (aside from God).
Tim and I are planning to move later next year - we are talking about the steps to take to be able to do so...how I go about becoming certified to teach in AZ, how he can get a comparable job out there, when to start a family, where to get a place, rent or own....etc. It was overwhelming to me for a long time, but recently I have had a sense of calm come over me. This calm is like God's hand on my shoulder, leading me and comforting me, letting me know that everything is going to work out - as long as I keep Him and Tim first. You see, the overwhelming feeling comes when I try to fit in all of my life as single Jennelle into my life as married Jennelle. Well, it doesn't work. I take the best parts of single Jennelle, add them to the best parts of single Tim and together, we have the best of married Tim and Jennelle. As much as it pains me to leave family and friends here, I am so excited and blessed to have the family and friends out in Arizona that are awaiting our arrival. No, I won't have my mom and dad, sister, brother or nieces...and no, we won't have Tim's family, but we will have each other and we will have gobs and gobs of technology to keep us connected. It will be okay, it will be great, it will all work out. I no longer lie awake worrying and wondering - now I sleep, dreaming of this life for Tim and me, working towards this unconditional and unselfish love....thank you, Grandma and Grandpa, for giving me, all of us you have touched, this goal to reach - this lifetime to make ours out of your template.
So I have finally gone through the motions to officially and legally change my name. Being an N-B was interesting but I am now "B" through the social security office, my drivers license - even school and my credit cards! I wasn't sure how I would feel about it and to be honest, it's weird. I mean, the identity I have had most of my adult life is now gone as if it never existed...the family name I am so proud to wear is no longer on the back of my jersey. So it will take some getting used to and I have to practice writing it, but all-in-all....I know I'll master it.
I heard Carrie Underwood's song yesterday "Last Name"....it made me chuckle because although that song is about getting drunk, married and now knowing your spouse or their last name - it is a bit true. When I go out, what name will roll off my tongue? When I sign my credit or debit card, will I sign the correct name? Will I offend my new family by saying my maiden name if it slips? It's absolutely amazing to me that all of these questions roll around in my head - do I really have nothing else to think about?
